seitentaisei: (Loved alone)
[personal profile] seitentaisei
As much as I joke about sword class and threaten people with my awesome samurai 'skills,' I learned a lot more than just how best to bring a sword down to slash through a person. My teacher was one of those almost stereotypical wise old happy older men. Very smart. Very charismatic. A bit of a dork, but he'd been in the military and went to desert storm for a while. I remember being intimidated by him... until he started making silly faces at me while I was practicing and telling me to smile. He told us that he was going to teach us the nitty-gritty, gory version of things and how they maximized the killing effect so that we'd respect it more. It was a serious thing.

But he also told us that he was going to teach us life lessons. And he did. Sword is wrapped up in the spiritual, he said. He couldn't teach us all the things that went with it because well, it's a public university course and if he was teaching religion, people would throw a fit over it. He still told us some things to live by. And I still remember a lot of them. 

He told us a story one day about his war buddies, the guys that he'd grown up with and that joined with him. People that he'd know all his life. When they got back from Desert Storm, they just ran around in their pick up trucks, their rifles in the back, went to get drunk, went partying. This wasn't really the problem for him though. He realized they weren't going anywhere, doing anything, that they were a bad tempered, rather mean group of people.

He realized that he was growing up. Changing as he went through the stages of his life, cultivating himself and making himself a better person. He realized that they were bad, and they were determined to stay rotten. They were going to stagnate like water that sits still too long.

"Not to sound mean, but I had to move on. It's not that they weren't my friends anymore or even that I cared about them less, but being around them was inhibiting my growth and holding me back. They were a negative impact on my life, and I realized it was time for us to part," he told us.

And it's true. People that we know can and will impact our lives negatively. That's not to say that we don't continue to try. It's only that when we realize that these people are continuously hurting us and holding us back from being the beautiful people that we are meant to be, then it's better to move on. You can't help people that are unwilling to listen or people that are unwilling to change for the better.

I'm going to keep changing for the better, and sadly, his point of view is true.

I guess what I mean to say is. I'm tired of crying because of people that don't give a shit about my feelings. I'm tired of being demonized for having a life and thoughts/opinions/feelings of my own. I'm not going to let anybody hold me back anymore. I've tried my damned hardest not to leave anybody behind, but... you win some, you lose some, and the world keeps turning.

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seitentaisei

November 2010

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